A Depression That Kills

    I once thought about taking my own life. On the outside, you would think I was fine, I guess that is why they say never judge a book by its cover. You never know what is going on inside. This was me, I looked like a good book on the outside, but on the inside I was depressed, so depressed I thought this world would be better off without me. I carried this thought with me for quite a long time. It was like this big dark cloud always over my head everywhere I went. The thought of suicide would just keep coming back, Satan would remind me that this would does not need Chance Nail. Most days I would cover the thought of suicide with video games then the next day it would be with friends, but this cloud of darkness was always there hovering over, like a storm was about to start. Then finally this thought became a planned action. Every way you could possibly think about endings one’s life had ran through my head.  Then finally I had an Idea of how to accomplish my death: a note, a gun and I would be done, checking out of this life seemed more of a reality then life its self. Then I remembered as I was playing Halo one day a kid kindly rebuked me for saying the Lords name in vain. So, I said to myself that day it is either death or God must show himself real.
    The morning of my plan to end it all went like this. I said to myself, God if you are real show up, if not, life is not worth living so I am done. I got on the bus that day heading to Mooresville High School, and I had a plan to ask all my teachers in class about God. With this being a public school they all danced around the question of God existence. In my young mind, I began to mock God and say, “See you’re not real”. After finishing up my day at school I came home with a plan to end it all. As I sat at the kitchen table pretending to do my math homework, I was thinking of the best place to kill myself. Asking myself, “Where would be the best place so they would not have to clean up such a mess?”.  Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door that brought my attention back to reality. It was a Preacher. And at that moment, I knew God was real. Never in my life had a preacher showed up to my house, but that day was the divine moment I met Jesus Christ. After a couple of hours of this Preacher telling me that my sins have a punishment and that punishment is hell, I left the kitchen table, went to my room and cried out to God to save me. Since that day, I have forever been changed. Our motto here at the Boys home is this: God takes desperate, broken people and makes them beautiful.